Bride ideas
Once a month now, David’s Bridal Barn sends me an e-mail reminding me that only “X” number of months remain until my wedding.
Eight months to be exact.
For those of us who have been confirmed bachelorettes and might be plagued by just the tiniest bit of commitment-phobia, these periodic e-mails—which I believe are intended to make me desire even more bridal stuff, since the deepest and most spiritual of life events in America are, after all, an exciting opportunity for shameless commerce and gross materialism—give me the momentary sensation that I’m suffocating.
I get over that pretty quickly when I think about how great Alex is and how enthusiastic and confident I feel about the marriage.
A little knitting never fails to calm me down, either:
But here I am, at the age of thirty-eight, confronting the American bridal industry, a disturbing mega-business that seems based on a whole series of dubious and even dangerous assumptions about what weddings should be, how much they should cost, and how they are supposed to fit into the context of one’s life.
I think the most distressing assumption—which as far as I can tell goes unquestioned in all the bridal magazines—is that every bride should try to “drop a dress size” before her wedding.
Can we talk?
I’m all for eating properly and exercising and feeling healthy, but why must I be smaller by next June? Alex loves me as I am now and the only other people who will be at our wedding and related celebrations are people who already love me and see me as beautiful.
Nobody is going to say, “Gee, that would have been such a lovely wedding if only the bride hadn’t been so fat. What a shame she couldn’t drop a dress size before the event!”
No one is going to say that. I guarantee it.
But here’s my question: why as women are we still being asked—literally and metaphorically—to take up less space? Be smaller? Quieter? More compliant? More pleasing to others?
Size 00?
I’m not the first, and I’m sure I won’t be the last, to note the disturbing philosophical implications of Size 0 and Size 00 clothing.
We’re really being asked, in rather clear terms, to become an…absence.
This is hardly an exhaustive treatment of this very complex subject. But, dear readers, here is my pledge: I will eat well and enjoy my food. I will keep my energy up. I will be strong.
I will laugh loudly if I want. I will argue. I will refuse to hide my intelligence. I will offer opinions. I will invest in myself as a person and not an object.
A few years ago, an well-meaning old friend said he wasn’t very optimistic about my ever finding a mate. I was probably thirty-two at the time. “Ellen,” he said, “you’re going to be a tough match to make. You’re complicated and you have a big personality.”
It’s true. I take up space. Many, many men do not like that quality in a woman.
Some happy day perhaps those men will evolve.
But even if they never do and even if they are made profoundly uncomfortable by the existence of women like me, I will continue to be who I am. And I am not a zero—neither literally nor metaphorically.
November 1st, 2006 at 12:06 am
Preach it girl! The only size 00s a woman should have are her knitting needles, with which she shall pierce the temples of those who require her to wear a size 00.
November 1st, 2006 at 12:49 am
I find bridal magazines incredibly disturbing. Pages upon pages of advice of this sort: start growing your hair out 6 months before the wedding! Start growing your nails out 2 months before the wedding! Hit the tanning salon X weeks before . . . not to mention dropping dress sizes. I got the impression that a woman is expected to look like an entirely different person on the day she gets married. What utter nonsense.
I was once resolved not to wear any make-up for my wedding. It seems to me that that, of all days, is the one day a woman would want her spouse-to-be to see her just as she is – just so he knows exactly what he’s getting himself into! I managed to be talked into wearing a small amount of make-up for the wedding . . . but I still looked like me.
November 1st, 2006 at 3:35 am
Hear, hear!! I sure as heck didn’t drop a dress size. Of course, I didn’t even know I was going to get married; that helped. [g]
We eloped to Reno. It was fantastic, and despite all the jokes you hear, still one of the most meaningful occasions of my life. I thought it was wonderful with just the two of us and the minister; she did a beautiful job. Added benefit, I didn’t get a migraine from stress, which would’ve resulted in me not showing up at my own wedding. That would’ve been quite a downer. We just had a helluva party with both families a couple months after. The wedding itself, not counting rental car, gas, etc., only cost about $55. And that even included a limo ride to the courthouse to get the license. 😉 Why on earth do they insist you need to spend the GNP of a small nation on a wedding? What, since we don’t do the dowry thing any more, we have to have some other conspicuous display of money being thrown around? Get. Real.
November 1st, 2006 at 7:39 am
Wonderful post, Ellen. You’ve hit on a lot of issues that drive me crazy too. I too refuse to disappear. And I’m a much happier person because of it!
I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful wedding that will be perfect for you. My eldest sister got married when I was 13, and it was a huge, expensive, stressful affair. I recall telling everyone who would listen that I was never doing that. People laughed at me and said I wouldn’t feel that way when I was older. Well, my partner and I got married three years ago (I was 39 and we had been together for 12 years!) and we had a small, private ceremony in a garden with a minister and 2 friends as witnesses. It was perfect for who we are as people. My family got upset that we didn’t do the whole wedding thing, but they got over it!
Oh, and by the way, I haven’t mentioned it before, but that scarf is divine!
November 1st, 2006 at 8:44 am
as a one-time bride and former bridal shop worker let me offer this advice. after working in a bridal shop for several years i decided the whole big wedding thing was not for me. fortunately future dh felt the same way. i always give my friends the same advice—have the wedding that YOU want. don’t worry about your parents, his parents, friends etc. it is your big day. wear what you want, say what you want, have it where you want it. we eloped taking our parents with us—they thought we were having dinner out and wondered if we would announce an engagment. fifteen years later and they’re still talking about our wedding. it doesn’t matter what you wear, where your say your vows, or who is there as long as it is what you both want. i hope you have a lovely day and don’t forget to have fun—it goes by amazingly fast.
November 1st, 2006 at 11:30 am
Amen, daughter Ellen, preach on! You and your sister Sarah are the kind of women that women should be. Daddy and I are both very proud of the two of you. If there are people who are troubled by what you, both of you, are, well, that is their loss.
November 1st, 2006 at 3:04 pm
I have one, no – 2 questions for you – why are you reading those magazines? & why did you sign up for the emails? LOL The only thing that makes one truely (legally) married is that piece of paper you get at the judge’s/magistrate’s/county clerk’s office – all the rest? It’s just show.
November 2nd, 2006 at 12:23 am
HA. I -guarantee- you that at my wedding, my mother will tell me that I look lovely but isn’t it a shame that I’m not thinner, because then I’d be beautiful. She’s told me this every other time I’ve been dressed up, in public, or being photographed. I have no reason to suspect my wedding will be different.
(I mean, overall your point is correct, well said, and well taken. I just had to point out the exception that proves the fricking rule.)
November 2nd, 2006 at 11:49 am
What an interesting topic. I think anytime we have something that is such a microculture (the wedding industry for example) that it becomes twisted and distorted, rather like in-breeding. You see this in other areas, too, like college campuses. Nothing like mixing in the rest of the real world for a reality check. Is the world going to be brighter if your nails are a half inch longer?
As to your friend, well, you know your friend best. At least you know he was well intentioned. Not everything in life has to be simple. Not every person needs to be easy to understand. Not everyone needs to be married at the age of 21. It is good for young women to have roll models of all types because we come in so many flavors…and good for you, for being happy to be who you are and showing that you don’t have to be a micro scoop of vanilla.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:32 am
HALLELUJAH AND AMEN!
This whole thing about THE WEDDING is a continual source of amazement to me. Why should you “drop a dress size” before the wedding? Because if “they” can convince you that you’re not good enough just as you are, then their biggest hurdle has been leaped. You are now a quivering mass of consumer, feebly waving your credit card at anyone or anything that will promise to deliver that elusive notion of “perfection”. Because nothing else is acceptable.
BULL PUCKEY!
I will admit I’d never thought of the size 0 / 00 concept as being part of the whole “sit down, shut up, don’t make waves” attitude of the Great American Consuming Machine, but I think you’re spot on. I wish I could afford to have your “I will laugh loudly” paragraph engraved on every mirror in the land … so that every young woman in the world reads it every day as she prepares the face and body she will present to the world.
You rock!
November 3rd, 2006 at 2:14 pm
Sing it, sister! This is *exactly* how I feel and part of why I’ve been so resistent to losing the extra weight I carry for so long. Love me like I am!
Also, for your other readers—there *are* men out there who like their female friends and/or partners to be themselves! I married one of them. They are out there.
Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials. Make the day yours. And enjoy yourselves!
November 4th, 2006 at 12:53 am
Well put Ellen! It’s amazing how prevalent the “you need to be smaller” attitude is in our culture. Obviously there are huge economic benefits to be reaped from convincing people to hate themselves as they are, and to acquire “self esteem” through self-modification (botox anyone?). Not surprising then that this has spilled over to the bridal industry, which seems to be predicated on the idea that there are a million ways to do a wedding wrong and only one way to do it right – expensively!
But, like you I also wonder about the implications of the way we tell WOMEN to shrink, more than we do men. What’s up with that? And why are we told that we’re infinitely malleable, as long as we have enough willpower? I had enough willpower to put myself through U of C, but I’m still a size 16. Failure of willpower? Or just the body I have?
November 4th, 2006 at 2:16 am
Hey, everyone, I’m away in Canada at the moment and not on the internet much, but I just got a chance to read all your comments.
What a great bunch of observations! Thanks for commenting and writing such honest and smart responses!
November 6th, 2006 at 11:53 am
Ellen –
Bravo, indeed! I just stumbled on your blog (through Lorinda), and will definitely be back to read more posts like this one. I could go on forever about weddings and the scary culture surrounding them, but many of your other readers have already covered it. Thank you for the insightful post!
November 8th, 2006 at 12:01 am
I struggle with this all the time. I’m 6’3 and striking, I’m big, strong, smart – and I know all the things you just said and I STILL catch myself tucking in my edges.
Ugh.
Thanks for the reminder.
November 30th, 2006 at 11:59 am
[…] Now, in “honor” of this new t-shirt offering and the ongoing, full-court press by the bridal industry to get all brides to “drop a dress size” before the “big day” (discussed in greater depth on this blog here) AND Alex’s recent resolution to start pumping iron in an attempt to look more like Daniel Craig, I have made the following deals with my beloved: […]