Like a fish needs a bicycle
Just when you think that you’ve seen the worst the bridal industry has to offer, they surprise you with some new “innovation.”
What fresh hell is this? Well, cats and kittens, here’s the latest bridal merchandise, marketed under the banner of, “Show Everyone You’re Getting Married!”:
Dearly beloved, there’s nothing like a “got husband!” t-shirt to make you yearn for the bygone days of the 70s, with their humorless “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” apparel, bra burnings, consciousness raising groups, ubiquitous subscriptions to Ms. magazine, and orange shag carpets.
I’d even be willing to suffer through a new wave of Bee Gees hits if we could get back at least some of that spirit. Stayin’ alive, indeed.
I’m not even going to explore further this t-shirt’s icky connection to the “got milk?” campaign, and the subtextual undercurrents that invoke and link up—at least by thematic association—marriage, the resort to manipulative tactics by an oppressed group, female passivity and objectification, fecundity, and dependence on the male.
Oh, crap. I said I wasn’t going to do it, and then I did. Never trust a graduate student who says she’s going to resist long-winded analysis. It’s always a lie.
Now, in “honor” of this new t-shirt offering and the ongoing, full-court press by the bridal industry to get all brides to “drop a dress size” before the “big day” (discussed in greater depth on this blog here) AND Alex’s recent resolution to start pumping iron in an attempt to look more like Daniel Craig, I have made the following deals with my beloved:
Deal 1: I will wear the “got husband!” t-shirt if, and only if, Alex will wear either a t-shirt that says, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,” or “got wife with Ph.D. and power tools who don’t take no crap!” I think it’s nice to offer a choice, don’t you?
Deal 2: I will “drop a dress size” before our wedding if, and only if, Alex will commit to a frenetic bridal-style self-improvement program that will include (among other things, naturellement!—like teeth whitening procedures and regular manicures…) a minimum of five, hour-long workouts a week so that he can package himself for me on our wedding day as an object that perfectly reflects to “The Masculine Ideal.” Something close to, say, oh, Daniel Craig.
Or you could think of the deal this way: I’ll drop a dress size if Alex commits to gaining a dress size! Or, um, something like that.
All joking aside, however, I’ve been thinking about all these threads—the present day bridal industry, the early days of feminism, the issues still facing women in American society today—and I’ve come up with more questions than answers. Here’s one thing I’ll say, though: upon reflection, I think that when all is said and done, a good man is an awful lot more valuable to a woman than a bicycle is to a fish.
But a woman needs a “got husband!” t-shirt like, well, a sturgeon needs a Schwinn.
I don’t know about you, but even though the 70s are long gone, I still got on my feminist boogie shoes.
Knitting? Still making progress on those gloves:
Back on Monday with some exciting stash enhancement news…
November 30th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
I was forced to go to the most hideous wedding ever last summer. The couple was 22 and 23, and his parents are disgustingly wealthy. It was at this country club in the middle of the day on a Friday. There were 500 guests at the reception, including the Governor (who he works for). She was basically the bride from hell, putting everyone close to her through a nightmare. (Especially her mother, who had to “fix” everything, like when suddenly THE perfect dress was hideous and she needed a new one… a week before the wedding…)
…
I don’t think I can properly stress how amazingly silly and malleable the girl is. She used to want to go to cosmetology school (AFTER finishing up a bachelors… never mind) until her husband-to-be deemed it “improper” for a woman to be doing. (What?) Instead he got her a puppy, and told her to go to nursing school instead. She was fine with that, apparently. Yesterday we found out that three months after the wedding, she’s pregnant and now he wants her to sit around at home. It kills me, because she used to have aspirations, and now she only does what he says…
She’d love the “got husband!” shirt. LAME.
She probably thinks Women’s Studies is gynecology.
The spirit of seventies feminism is alive… in some people.
November 30th, 2006 at 3:10 pm
Get the Got Husband! t-shirt – on the back, put “Threw him back!”
Bwahahahahahahahaha!
November 30th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Darn! *Runs off to return “got husband!” t-shirt bought for ellen’s wedding gift*
😉
December 1st, 2006 at 7:02 am
Oy. ‘Got husband’ + ‘got milk’ + positioning over breasts = could they be any more obvious? And crass? Blecch. (*My* favorite quote from the 70’s was ‘A hard man is good to find.’ [g] At least it wasn’t coy!) The advertising company I worked at back then had subscriptions to umpteen magazines, one of them being ::mutter ‘bride’:: – ghu knows why, we had no accounts related to the bridal industry – and y’know, it was just as unredeemingly idiotic. As far as they were concerned, feminism didn’t exist. I don’t see that the industry’s changed one whit, from what little attention I’ve paid to it. Back then I was in my early 20’s, supposedly the target demographic, and I thought the magazine was junk. I swear, if they could, they’d bring back the witnesses around the bridal bed for the ritual defloration! With, of course, a special line of ‘bridal’ sheets, carefully color-coordinated, and a display rack for the morning after. Although they might have to fake the evidence nowadays. [bg]
And passive wives, hell. Geesh. I learned about marriage from my parents, who married in the early 50’s. Supposedly the dark days before feminism, right? Not with them. I can remember Mom telling me marriage was a partnership. Sometimes it was 50/50, sometimes 90/10, sometimes 40/60 – you adjusted as necessary, and the lead would change hands depending on the situation. But both always had input. Worked for them for over 30 years. I figure I got lucky, ’cause I imprinted on that early, and managed to get it when I did marry. Was also lucky in that I wasn’t raised to believe my main goal in life was marriage, either. But man, it sure is still an uphill climb we have to make, with the end nowhere near in sight.
Now, if you guys want t-shirts, you need some from Franklin Habit’s cafe press shop. The Dolores the sheep and the Don’t Mess With Women/Men Who Knit T’s are a *helluva* lot more apropos!
Mitts are looking even more gorgeous, btw. Yes, I’m catching up on comments in one swell foop. LOL.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:26 pm
A little known fact: I can’t get my teeth whitened, because they’re actually made out of porcelain! Pretty exciting, huh?
Oh, and she’s right that I did go to the gym. Twice this week, in fact.
December 1st, 2006 at 10:26 pm
Which, I should add, is at least 200% more gym-going than I’ve done for a few months!
December 2nd, 2006 at 2:30 am
Atta boy, Alex…could you get your teeth painted, then? OK, go ahead and throw something at me…I deserve it for that one.
As far as the dress size, that would explain why they were so upset with me when I went for final fitting. You see, DH and I had been working (very hard) on getting our house liveable before the big day. As you may have already guessed, I put on a bit of muscle across the shoulders, causing the seamtress to have to alter my dress to fit.
December 2nd, 2006 at 5:58 pm
Congrats, Alex! And I’d casually keep mentioning massages, if I were you. Remind Ellen that massage oils will keep her hands nice and soft and prevent snagging of any delicate fiber. Like, say, Mongolian cashmere. (Of course, if I went to a gym, I wouldn’t be just sore, I’d be crippled, as I am a total computer potato. [g])
Just watch it, ’cause if Ellen starts raving about rippling abs ‘n such, her readers might start begging for pictures, and you never know where that could lead. Although chants of ‘take the sweater *off*’ come to mind. 😉 ::runs for the hills::
December 3rd, 2006 at 10:29 am
Ooh. Your wine and roses mitts look lovely. Hope mine end up looking as good!
December 11th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Hi, just dropping in from somewhere.
When I was a “bride-to-be” (gag!) I bought the magazines, thinking they must know something useful, so I looked at the checkoff list: manicure, no way; hairdresser, no way; rehearsal dinner, ditto, on and on down the list. So I went to a cut-rate jeweller and bough a couple of sterling bands, bought mill-end cotton yarn and wove 10 yards of twill, sewed a dress for me and then a shirt for him, bought him a new pair of Levi’s, and we were set. Potluck dinner in the $50 fire hall, f-i-l to do the legalities, $1500 for the whole shebang. Life continues, 23 years later, to be a low-budget affair. Two kids on great scholarships to fabulous colleges.
I do wish there was a “preview comment” button here.
Thanx for listening. Or not.
January 28th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Hi,
I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog 🙂
Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day 🙂