That’s when the grin should start
We’re not going to look at Minnie’s shoulder seams anymore. And we aren’t going to discuss them anymore either. Just let it be known that I am not impressed with this kind of so-called design work.
We are not amused.
If I were queen this woman would no longer be allowed to publish her designs and fob them off on unsuspecting victims knitters who would then sweat and toil and hand-bead the bodice with “special beads” until their fingers bled…only to find that the motifs do not match up at the shoulder seam.
I am beyond consolation. But I did start one of Minnie’s sleeves:
I am knitting from the top down using a short-row technique to form the sleeve cap. All in a sustained effort to do an end run around setting in a sleeve. Which to me is about as much fun as working in a zinc mine.
I’ve finished the neckline and the button bands:
The search for the right button has come up short, I’m afraid. We didn’t have the right button at Woolcott, which means I’m going to have to go outside the “family.” I don’t feel good about it, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
This sweater is going to look fine when it is blocked. As long as you don’t look at the shoulder seams.
Meanwhile, wedding preparations have taken a dark turn. As you may know, we are doing something slightly unconventional in that the “wedding” is not a single event, but rather three:
Event Numero Uno: We will be married in an extremely small ceremony at an “undisclosed location.” This event, the wedding itself, will involve only our immediate families, an arrangement that we may ultimately live to regret, given how little our immediate families have in common with one another and given our foolhardy decision to have everyone repair to a “festive” dinner together after the ceremony.
I have been threatening to hire actors to take the roles of the various family members, including me and Alex. They will be given a script, the right things will get said, conversation will be witty and well-paced, the topic of religion will not come up, and the whole thing can be videotaped for our viewing enjoyment.
I will be played by Nicole Kidman.
She always looks great in photographs, and since the bridal industry has left me with the impression that the most important thing is how one looks and particularly how one looks in photographs…well, I think this will be absolutely ideal!
But seriously, just think! If the wedding and wedding dinner are miserable, horrific disasters, I will certainly get a funny story out of it and you can read all about it here. Stay tuned! This could be a lot of fun for everyone!
Event the Second: Two days after the strained, awkward meeting of our two families at a highly-charged emotional event, a situation that any fool can see is a proverbial recipe for disaster heart-warming joining of two people in the sacred bonds of holy matrimony, we will have a reception in California for all of our friends and family who live more or less out that way.
I have no major concerns about this. It might even be fun as long as we’re not dogged by an aggressive photographer, required to smash cake in one another’s faces, or forced mete out cheesy wedding favors like the “Love Beyond Measure” measuring spoon set.
Not that any of those appalling possibilities have ever actually come to pass at an American wedding, events known throughout the world for their restraint and unerring good taste.
Event No. 3: The Final Stop on the Bales-Wellerstein “Love Fest” Tour. Two weeks after the reception in CA, we will have a celebratory party out here for all of our East Coast friends and relatives. I’m very excited about this. Very excited! It’s just wonderful to think that my extended family and many of my oldest and dearest friends are going to be at this shindig.
There’s only one source of anxiety: we’re having this party at our house. I thought this was a really great idea when we dreamed it up a few months ago, and I still basically think it is a good idea. People can come when they want, stay as long as they want, bring their kids… It’ll be warm, informal, truly celebratory. Shelley can be there, and you know how I love that dog.
There’s just one problem: I was feeling expansive when I made the invite list and I believe that I’ve invited, um, well, something like 180 people. I’ve kind of lost count. Hey, I’m thirty-nine years old. I’ve lived awhile and I have a lot of friends. What can I say?
One thing I can say, and this for sure: this house is not all that big.
“But you have the back yard!” I hear you cry. Yes, and what a back yard it is! Having been “let go” for approximately twenty years, the back yard is a splendid example of unfettered natural beauty, including pernicious vines, rotting railroad ties laid down in tamer times, strange concrete paving stones that have shifted into mysterious formations, and buried Miller Lite cans that surface periodically after a drenching rain like so many archeological treasures. Home to wasps, garter snakes, and the occasional groundhog, the back yard is an ideal place to gain a closer understanding of your relationship to nature and your own place in the natural order of the world.
It is not, however, a great place to have a wedding reception.
I decided last Sunday that I needed to rake and clean up one small sector of the yarn only, to at least take a stab at beginning to get it under control. I worked for two backbreaking hours. I filled two garbage cans and two large bags with detritus:
First can of yard crap.
And its little chum.
And all my toil, all my efforts resulted in this:
Suburban back yard or abandoned lot?
Toward the end of my yard session, I had taken to belting out, “You gotta have heart!/Miles and miles and miles of heart!/When the odds are sayin’ you’ll never win/That’s when the grin should start!”
Thereby squandering all my accrued social capital with the neighbors.
The fact is, I’m no gardener. So here is my question to you: what do you know about gardening? About getting an unruly back yard under your thumb? I’m not after the Gardens of Versailles here, but just something passable.
Spill. Please. Come summer, there are 180 people who will thank you.
April 5th, 2007 at 4:03 am
Actors, especially Nicole Kidman: Wonderful idea! Why should you guys do all that posing? Let a professional stand there for hours, smiling. Best idea ever.
Minnie: Lookit those *fantastic* special beads! (What the heck’s so special about ’em, anyway? Did they bother to inform you? ‘Cause if you ever get crazy enough to go through the bleeding fingers bit again, ask so I may gently steer you towards Fire Mtn. Gems here in OR, a fine and helpful company that sells a bewildering variety of special beads at wholesales prices. And no sales tax.)
Yard: I think you need a bigger boa– Uh, can. Cans. Dumpster? (I ain’t no gardener myself. Although if you want clues on how to kill every bit of vegetation currently living in it, then I’m your woman.)
April 5th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Start watering and mowing the grass, er…weeds? You’ll be surprised at how lush and wonderful even weeds look if they’re watered and mowed. And think about some planters – full of easy-to-grow-and-maintain annuals like petunias, nasturtiums, short zinnias etc. Even potted house-plants borrowed for the big day from friends and neighbors. Group them together in sheltered/shady areas of the yard – use concrete building blocks or wood stumps to vary the height. They’ll look great. Better yet, find a friend who loves to play with plants and get them to do it. Most best advice…don’t worry about it too much! The folks coming to your place really don’t give a fig about the yard. They’ll be there to celebrate with you and because of you. Yard shmard!
April 5th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Two words for part one of the nuptials: make with the booze–lots of it.
Love Knitting Granny’s ideas about the yarn, and I second her thought that no one cares about the yard (unless of course someone gets sprayed by a skunk–then refer back to part one of nuptials). Your friends and family will be there to enjoy you and one another. Have lawn furniture/places to sit, maybe a tent for shade, lots of folding chairs of pillows inside, and did I mention alcohol? It will be great.
Minnie–poo on the designer. What that pattern needs is a visit to Ms. Sarah Bales. She’d whip Minnie into shape. On that line though, who ever looks at shoulder seams? Do you? I think it’s beastly that they don’t match up, but truthfully, I don’t know that I’d notice on someone else unless there were different colored stripes that didn’t match.
April 5th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Umm, yeah. It looks to me like you have a lot of work or a lot of expense ahead of you, maybe both. Maybe try and go schmooze the guys at the garden center.
April 5th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I’m thinking maybe some fast growing and sturdy grass seed as well as the watering and mowing.
A shitload of petunias etc and some miracle grow will get you amazingly pleasing color for not too much effort. But start right around mothers day (after first frost, enough time to get going is the goal). And ask friends with suburbia to look in the garage, shed etc for pots and planters not presently in use.
Anyone with a yard has a metric ton of that stuff in corners.
April 5th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I was in a wedding last summer, held on the bride’s family farm… and in order achieve the proper aesthetic, the mother of the bride drove two hours out to the farm every weekend (and many weekdays) for three months prior, to devote herself to landscaping. God knows how many bridesmaid-dress-matching-bulbs she planted, but I believe it was in the hundreds. (Mrs. S, if you’ve somehow found this, it was beautiful!!)
…I’m thinking you guys might just need some lawn fertilizer? (Shockingly anti-environmental that suggestion is.) (Still, might be wise to keep Shelley off the grass for a few days if you do go for that.)
April 5th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
I’m thinking that the corner there could be filled with flowers or shrubs or something. Maybe potted or fake (yeah not feeling the fake thing) or borrowed. Just fill it in with a little potting soil after breaking up the existing dirt because it doesn’t look like grass is readily grown in that corner.
Maybe plant flowers that are showy and hardy. NO idea what those would be, just sayin’. I’m all for the idea of flowers. Maybe, if nothing else, till it, smack some wild flower seeds in there, and pray thing pop up. 😀
April 5th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
(Re: the lawn, my mother wants to add her support for the notion that green weeds are just as good as green grass. As for flowers, she says she personally would wait until about a week before, go to Costco or Trader Joe’s or wherever, buy a whole bunch of the cheapest potted thing that’s already or on-the-verge-of flowering, and stick that in the ground… ie, don’t give them time to die on you. But you could turn up the beds in the meantime, if you really want.)
April 5th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
You’ve made a good start. Just keep whacking away at the debris. Anything that you don’t want and appears to be invasive…hit it with round-up. Not organic, but effective. Now seed/fertilize/keep cut the parts you want in grass. I go with Juno’s plan of acquiring other people’s pots and plant them. You can even make “raised beds” by stacking them up and just planting the top ones. People will be less likely to wander into the flowers if they’re in pots. Plus they make a bigger statement when they are closer to eye-level. Good flowers to try: wave petunias. They get huge, they flower lots and one will spread about 3 feet across in no time at all. They are also quite hardy, so can go outside pretty early if you’re willing to cover them in case of a hard frost.
April 6th, 2007 at 12:40 am
Ahem . . . Hrmmm . . . the west coast is feeling just a tiny bit slighted. “Might” be fun? Hey! I’m going to be there!! Of course it will be fun! If I need to I will run interference between you and any agressive photographers or annoying wedding-magazine ‘traditionalists” to ensure fun. I plan to have fun. I’m looking forward to it.
As for the lawn, yes, when the weeds and grass are green, and shorn, it’s hard to tell them apart unless you’re nitpicking, and anyone who nitpicks your yard during your wedding party deserves to have their aesthetics offended. Also, if you go to a lawn center and buy a bag or two of grass seed and put it down and water it daily for a couple of weeks (you can get faucet timers to automate this) then it will fill in a bit. I think there are some ‘green’ fertilizers you can put down as well. That plus some potted plants and maybe a borrowed awning/canopy dealie and you’re good to go. Good luck!!
April 6th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Wow – you’re going all out for this wedding tour. At least by the way you’ve designed it, it should be fun. Have you considered moving the venue to a park or something? Otherwise, I’m seconding the “buy lots of plants last minute at Costco” option.
April 7th, 2007 at 10:34 am
I’ve been thinking that we might try and do what Harvard does each year with its lawns (which it only really tends to before commencement), on a smaller scale. Step 1. Get everything wet. Step 2. Rake it over like crazy so it is a big, muddy, aerated mess. Step 3. Load it up with excessive amounts of fertilizer and grass seed. Wait three weeks and presto! You have a beautiful looking lawn, for wedding guests and/or fat cat donors-slash-parents of undergrads. I mean, that _should_ work, no?
April 19th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Hello! I can’t remember how I got here, but your blog is most entertaining. 🙂
“the bridal industry has left me with the impression that the most important thing is how one looks and particularly how one looks in photographs”
It’s not just you. I keep having conversations with my mom and sister along the lines of, “Try this [makeup I would never ordinarily wear]! It will bring out your features in the pictures!” Yeah, but up close, I look weird and not like myself. Apparently this is okay.
Good luck with the yard-conquering and your wedding plans!