The lost patio of Atlantis
Work on the Back Yard of Doom continues apace! Over the weekend, Alex and I did further clearing of pernicious vines, raking up of debris, and tossing out of the veritable pile of beer bottles that our drug-dealing neighbors (yes, we lead a life of constant danger!) left behind on their back porch when they moved out in January:
Isn’t that extra special? Yeah, Corona Extra special!
These were positioned such that in a stiff wind, one or two would tumble off the edge of the porch and smash in the yard below, leaving dangerous shards of brown and green glass everywhere. How utterly delightful! I love suburban living!
Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken!
The worst part is, those guys never invited us to any of their parties.
Alex cleaned up all those bottles and rotting cardboard cases, because he is good and decent and well-raised, unlike your average drug dealer. In the process, he found an exciting original object for his “Cabinet of Curiousities”:
No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a wasps’ nest INSIDE a beer bottle.
If you look down the neck of the bottle, you see this:
Dude, we wasps love livin’ in a beer bottle! It’s like, when you’re tired from buildin’ the hive, you can sip some brew and kick back. Beats the shit out of living underneath the eaves of a shed, amigo!
Or this:
Do not ask yourself, “Is it art?” The answer should be obvious.
Meanwhile, I was working down below, attempting to clear what we call “The Lost Patio of Atlantis.”
See those vaguely round depressions in the ground there? That’s what I’m talking about.
It seems that sometime in the distant past, long before we were born, someone made a strange little patio out of mysterious circular stones they purchased in the ancient agora, but over time, these stones sank and were nearly completely occluded by grass and weeds.
Q: Mama, is there really a Lost Patio of Atlantis where the ancient peoples of New England conducted their summer rites, like getting half in the bag on Sam Adams Boston Lager after a Red Sox loss and bellowing “Yankees Suck!” so that everyone in the village could hear?
A: No one knows, child. No one knows…
My original objective was to clear away all the grass, weeds, and dirt that obscured the Lost Patio of Atlantis.
I lasted about thirty minutes at that backbreaking and futile task before it occurred to me that it would be a whole lot easier (and better!) just to take the paving stones up, Roto-till the whole shebang, and replant grass.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. The Lost Patio of Atlantis was weird and, let’s face it, not that conducive to a nice yard party and/or wedding reception. In spite of its historic significance.
So I began prying the stones up with my trusty shovel, heaving them out of the ground, and stacking them against the garage. Even after living here for nearly two years, we frankly had neither any idea that they were round…
Who knew?
…nor that they weighed so much.
Here I am with my twentieth stone, propping it up with my shovel and thanking the good Lord that I lift weights on a regular basis:
A single Lost Paving Stone of Atlantis can also be used as a cheap alternative to a commercial tombstone!
My handiwork from the air:
I had quit at this point for the simple reason that I had begun to ache all over.
So. I’ve pulled up twenty stones. There are at least thirty-five left.
I can’t help but think of that line from Robert Hass’s poem Santa Barbara Road, the one where he is speaking to his son:
I started this job
and I hate it already
and now I have to finish it.
His son replies, “Well Pop, that’s life.” And so it is, so it is.
Back on Thursday with news about Minnie, who is getting a lovely right sleeve…
April 11th, 2007 at 12:43 am
I was feeling like that after 20 minutes or so of trying to dig up an aggressive perennial. I sat there for a few minutes and thought “Round Up”, so I did. I’ll have to wait until it warms up again to see if it had any effect on it, though!
April 11th, 2007 at 4:11 am
It’s true what they say about seeing archaeological features better from the air. In that last shot, you can clearly see that the spacing between the stones of the Lost Patio of Atlantis is perfectly calculated to trip unwary walkers – no doubt due to some ceremonial requirement of great meaning which necessitated that the participants in ritual should frequently fall down. Just imagine if you had left them in the ground? You could have had a priceless opportunity to re-enact an ancient ritual! Wedding guests would regularly be going ass over teakettle with a loud “Whoop!” during the festivities. Even before a lot of liquor had been consumed. After the liquor… well, the visions are not pretty. Scientifically intriguing, perhaps, but not pretty.
Unless, y’know, you’d figured on that sort of thing as part of the entertainment.
April 11th, 2007 at 8:28 am
I’m impressed with your level of industriousness! It really looks like an archeological dig there. Good luck! What are you planning to do with the paving stones once you are done?
April 11th, 2007 at 10:12 am
Wow, that looks like a lot of hard work. I hope the next 35 stones are somehow easier.
April 11th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Oh wow – that shot of the honeycomb inside the beer bottle is CRAZY!
Looking at the aerial view, I can’t help but wonder if whoever put in the “patio” had a strange obsession with Legos…
April 11th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Gee, Ellen, it’s always so fun to read your epistles. Lost Patio of Atlantis, indeed! I’m still giggling, and that’s a very good thing.
April 11th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I feel like I live such a mundane life compared to you and Laurie (crazyauntpurl).
April 11th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
My God! Look at the number of pavers!! Call all your friends to help! Offer them a beer for every paver – it would be worth it. And, what ARE you going to do with the pavers? They aren’t exactly cheap. Would be useful for someone. Why didn’t they put square ones? The mysteries of stupid people – WOW!
April 11th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Well, if you can keep going at that rate, you can get them all pried up in two more afternoons, no?
Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha!
(If that were me, I have a feeling I’d just leave it as is and work on becoming accustomed to the way it looks. You know, kind of like how you move to a new house and just get used to all the unpacked boxes sitting around? OK, great…)
April 11th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
I’m also wondering what you’re going to do with all those pavers when you’re done.
April 11th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
The fate of the paving stones will be either that they will be used to define the edges of the yard and as stable platforms for planters, OR they will be moved into the garage where they will probably remain for hundreds of years.
Officially speaking, they aren’t ours, so they have to remain with the property, in spite of Ruth’s excellent and generous idea to give them to someone who wants to build his or her own lost patio of Atlantis.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:43 am
This is hilarious, but I feel I can say this because my backyard looks a lot like yours. At least, it does now. When we moved in almost nine years ago, it was a solid mass of overgrown mulberry and pepper tree volunteers, Cape hawthorn, ivy, and morning glory vines, with a little lime tree cowering in one corner and an 80-foot pine shooting straight up out of the middle. Like something out of “The Heart of Darkness.”
But my advice, which is what I meant to say, is have a party. We bought pizza for anyone who could come over and give us a hand, especially if they brought their own tools!
April 12th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Well … you could always create your own fantasy backyard making paper floral creations! Here are two awesome sites:
daffodils – http://www.naturalbulbs.nl/
cactus, vines and bamboo plants – http://www.epson.com.hk/files/minisite/papercraft/plant.htm